Dear Friend, I Thank You 1

“Why the fuck do people stand in the middle of the footpath and not move the fuck out the way when someone wants to get through?” Sometimes, I wonder why sidewalks are made next to roads and roads are made in between sidewalks. Then I remember that sidewalks are for people and roads are for cars with people inside them. And sometimes, there are trees and grass and sand next to the sidewalk, but since sidewalks are for people, nobody is supposed to have to walk on the sand or grass or trees (and I know nobody walks on trees. Not even Jesus). But, tonight, two friends of mine and I had to actually walk on the sand and the grass next to the sidewalk. Because there were freaking people in the middle of the sidewalk! And they were right in our way. I doubt a bigger outrage has been committed on earth since Martin Luther said the Hail Mary by mistake.

So, I had to pick a side. Do I support the people defying the whole concept of a sidewalk by not walking on it, or do I support the people (that’s my friends and I) who fulfilled the true meaning of a “side-walk” by walking beside it? I could not decide, and I ended up having medium-rare beef and forgetting about the whole dilemma. Which brings me to my point here, today. Decisions are hard. How do you decide between holding an open water bottle right side up or holding a closed one upside down? I mean, if you took the trouble to put a cover on the bottle, shouldn’t you utilize the cover by holding it upside down? Or how do you decide between studying for an exam (and having a chance) or not studying for it (and having an excuse)? Isn’t it a known fact that excuses are always more reliable than chance? And how do you decide between the subliminally engaging white noise or the blissfully soft brown noise? I think there are no right answers for these questions. Which made me ask myself, “Is a right answer necessary?” I ended up not answering that question either because it was another decision I had to make(between yes and no). And having just concluded that decisions are hard, and that the necessity of making these decisions is indeterminable because of the same fact, I came to the extraordinary realization that decisions don’t even exist, because if they did, nobody would ever make them because they were hard enough to be indeterminably (and thus hardly) necessary, and if nobody made decisions, then decisions would never exist, because unlike energy, which is never created, decisions do need to be made, and if nobody made them, they would not exist. So, to my enormous relief, I found out that I did not need to support anybody in the case described above, which meant that I didn’t have to decide if the medium-rare beef from Ram’s Head was good for my fragile digestive system.

Finally, I would like to include a little segment about another quote from one of my friends. “Yo, that bitch-ass nigga goin’ get fucked up if he don’t stop fuckin around with me. Imma fucking fuck up his fucking face.” Sometimes I wonder if “fuck” and its forms will ever be given the rightful recognition they deserve for being the most commonly used words in the English language. Some people think of “fuck” as a bad word. I, on the other hand, think of “fuck” as the most natural English word. For example, it has historically been accepted that the human being is at its most evolutionary basic form while engaging in sexual activity, and the most simultaneous word that is ejected from participants in the same while at its climax is “FUCK!” So, I ask you this. Is “fuck” not the most intuitive word for human beings? I presume you answered “yes,” and this is the right answer. For those of you who answered “no,” you should take the first thing that your hand touches and stab yourself in the eye with it… Go ahead. Do it now… OK! Since the stupid people can’t read anymore, we smart people can talk about them. Stupid people are so stupid. But don’t tell them I told you that. Not till I make their ears fall off by playing Jonas Brothers for five years at frequencies only stupid people can hear. No, the fact that stupid people have a special sound frequency that only they can hear does not mean that they are special. It only means that stupid people get stupider by listening to other stupid people. It is evolution’s way of sustaining cheap entertainment (in the form of a constant supply of stupid people)for smart people. Smart people, enjoy.

So, to my friend who started off this train of thought by speaking those fateful words stated above, I thank you. You have made me discover that decisions don’t exist and that “Fuck you” is not offensive. So, even though you may never be able to pronounce “pére” correctly, you can definitely be a serious thought-provoker. Just make sure you don’t provoke the wrong thoughts. No creeperism intended from that statement. So, having exhausted my writing ability for the next eight months, I’ll take my kind leave with these inherent, pleasant, proudly stated words: “Fuck You and your life”