Consider this a Warning 4

You know when you’re walking down the street at 10:30 at night and you see a group of blondes walking in the same direction with short white dresses on? And then they all stop at the bus stand and one of them checks their phone and goes, “Oh my God, we missed it! We missed the bus!” and everyone else goes “Oh, my God! Oh, my GOD!!! OMG”? And you just stand there and facepalm yourself for five minutes? Yeah, I had one of those experiences last night. You come into college expecting people to be smart and independent and ideal human beings. And then you see sorority girls and frat party-goers. You beer-drinkers and hell-raisers, this one goes out to you.

Firstly, let me give you a little quote I found while looking for Nicole Kidman videos. “The only problem with the rat race is that, even if you win, you’re still a rat”. Let me translate that for you in party language. Just because that guy over yonder is passed out and those girls over there are making out and everyone around has had five six packs, each, in an hour doesn’t mean that you have to do the same thing. Because at the end of the day, you don’t want some needledick fucking you in the ear when you’re passed the F*CK out. You don’t want to land up on one of those “Drunk girls gone wild” websites or be featured on Tosh.O for tripping and falling on your face in front of a patrol car. Trust me. When that happens, your friends may laugh at you and you may not mind, but people you don’t know will definitely never want to laugh with you. You’ll be kicked out of bars for dancing on tables, you’ll be shoved out of strip clubs for throwing up on the stripper’s boobs and you will be thrown out of church for heckling the ushers. Overall, you’ll become an embarrassment to humanity, and all the other animals will never want to be like us. And the leaders of the New World Order will NOT be happy if they find out they can’t have horse-humans to do in the rear while the rest of the world is watching Stephen Colbert make fun of them even though he’s supposed to be on the side of the earth-ruling party.

And another thing is that I don’t find drunk people fun. Everyone says that it is so fun to be drunk. But when people go around laughing at the most meaningless stuff, and finding Sarah Jessica Parker sexy (one of my friends actually said that when drunk), I don’t think it is fun at all. I mean, sure, a few girls make out. They may even get naked and start feeling around guys, but if you’re a heterosexual female or a homosexual male, chances are that’s not a whole lot of fun for you either. And then people sit around and watch bullcrap TV shows that are as interesting as the Saw series, and have “fun” doing it. No, people. It is not fun to be drunk. On the other hand, it’s a flunk to be crunk. If you didn’t know what that meant, then all I can say is that you fail at life (although, I don’t get the “fail” humor movement. You take embarrassing pictures and videos and add a text box saying “Fail” or “Epic Fail,” although I don’t see how failures are epic. I always respected the epic heroes, not epic failures like the people trying to be funny by making “Fail” jokes. To all of you “Fail” jokers, fail.)

So, frats and sors (?), you’re not fun. You’re not cool. You’re an embarrassment to the intellectual superiority that college is supposed to stand for. I feel awkward when you guys try and be cool by telling stories about how your drunk friend broke a window while trying to jump through the wall. It’s not funny and it’s not interesting. When, I say that your frat/sor./drunk party stories sound awesome, I’m lying to your face, and I just wanted you to know that. So, the next time I see a group of girls in white dresses flaunting their stupidity and want for attention, I’m going to push you all into the road and come and stomp on you after the cars are done with you, shouting “Oh my God, Oh my God”. And the next time I see a group of guys in tight shorts or dress suits at midnight, I’m going to spray your faces with Dunhill Blue. Because you know you like David Beckham. All you Greeks, consider this a warning.