Consider this a Warning 1

The other day, a person I know (I won’t state his name or relation to myself for reasons that should become obvious later on. And if the reasons still elude you after reading the article, you should be at ECU. Oooooooo) recently screamed in horror after checking around his pockets and jacket for something that he didn’t find. I asked him what was up, and he told me that he had lost his iPod Touch®. Now, obviously, he was quite upset. However, he later told me that he had got a message on Facebook saying that someone had found his iPod and had returned it to the student desk thing at the Student Union. So, we went and got his iPod, and I said, “That was close, eh?” And I look over to my “person I know” and he had a concerned look on his face. I asked him what was up, and he asked me how the person who found the iPod knew it was his (the person I know’s) iPod, and I made a speculation that they could have opened his (the known person’s) Facebook (which stays logged on) and checked his (the known’s) name. And this guy goes ballistic. I was pretty sleepy that night and I phased out when he started talking about one of the amendments, but I do remember him saying that it was an invasion of his privacy that the guy who found the iPod checked his (known’s) Facebook just to return his (k’s) iPod to him.

OF COURSE! They should never have checked k’s Facebook. NEVER! I mean, sure, k paid big bucks for the iPod, and k probably would have been screwed if k’s parents found out that he had lost the iPod that he had bought without their permission using his scholarship money, but that is no reason to go around checking someone’s Facebook. Everyone knows that all of a person’s most deeply kept secrets are on their Facebook profile, where only a select group of over a thousand “friends” can see them and fantasize about them as they wish. I mean, sure, a few of those friends were just people you met at the frat party and made out with, to everyone else’s utter disgust, and some of them were kids who you had your 1st grade gym class with and whose voices you don’t really remember, but at least you met them. Any person who you’ve not met who checks your Facebook is just a creeper. Or, he could be a terrorist trying to gain valuable information about the nation to plot a worldwide suicide bombing scheme that could bring an end to humanity as we know it. But chances are he won’t find “Favorite TV Show: The Bold and The Beautiful” very useful information. So, we can stick with the theory that he is a freaking creeper. And nobody likes creepers. We would all much rather have a constantly resurrecting, serial killing, crack-voiced, dark-clothed, testicle-chinned, psychopathic maniac become the lead character of the longest running pointless movie series in recorded history. True story.

And what about privacy? The first amendment guarantees us freedom of speech, something else, privacy, guns, deer-hunting and boob-flashing at Mardi Gras. So, basically, this person I know could turn the guy who returned his iPod in for going against the constitution. We could have this case go all the way to Judge Judy, and that woman is a mean-o. But the person I know slept off the rage and alcohol and woke up the next morning saying that he’ll let this one slide, but that society is getting on his last nerve and it should stop. I suggested suicide, but he said he’d rather see society commit suicide first, and I said that’s impossible, and he said that he’d stick around for a while longer. He then went into the bathroom and peed with the door open and I stood astounded at the moral and philosophical flexibility of this guy.

So, person I don’t know who returned the iPod to the person I do know, we’ll let you go this time. But the next time you find an iPod and return it to the owner, we’ll make sure to come behind you and pin antlers to your head so society can dish out the appropriate punishment. Consider this a warning.