And You Thought You Were Going Mad

2009-11-17T18:30:00.001-08:00

The other day I was walking down the hallway and this random ass person came up to me and said "Hey" and I just looked at him and was like, "Who the f*ck are you" and he was like, "Dude, I’m your calculus teacher" and I was like, "So does that mean that I need to give a f*ck?" and he was like, "Your grade in my class is very low" and I was like, "You don't have any hair" and he was like, "Touché". Then he walked away and I walked the remaining two steps into my calculus class.

Consider this a Warning 4

2009-11-06T08:09:00.001-08:00

You know when you’re walking down the street at 10:30 at night and you see a group of blondes walking in the same direction with short white dresses on? And then they all stop at the bus stand and one of them checks their phone and goes, “Oh my God, we missed it! We missed the bus!” and everyone else goes “Oh, my God! Oh, my GOD!!! OMG”? And you just stand there and facepalm yourself for five minutes? Yeah, I had one of those experiences last night. You come into college expecting people to be smart and independent and ideal human beings. And then you see sorority girls and frat party-goers. You beer-drinkers and hell-raisers, this one goes out to you.

Firstly, let me give you a little quote I found while looking for Nicole Kidman videos. “The only problem with the rat race is that, even if you win, you’re still a rat”. Let me translate that for you in party language. Just because that guy over yonder is passed out and those girls over there are making out and everyone around has had five six packs, each, in an hour doesn’t mean that you have to do the same thing. Because at the end of the day, you don’t want some needledick fucking you in the ear when you’re passed the F*CK out. You don’t want to land up on one of those “Drunk girls gone wild” websites or be featured on Tosh.O for tripping and falling on your face in front of a patrol car. Trust me. When that happens, your friends may laugh at you and you may not mind, but people you don’t know will definitely never want to laugh with you. You’ll be kicked out of bars for dancing on tables, you’ll be shoved out of strip clubs for throwing up on the stripper’s boobs and you will be thrown out of church for heckling the ushers. Overall, you’ll become an embarrassment to humanity, and all the other animals will never want to be like us. And the leaders of the New World Order will NOT be happy if they find out they can’t have horse-humans to do in the rear while the rest of the world is watching Stephen Colbert make fun of them even though he’s supposed to be on the side of the earth-ruling party.

And another thing is that I don’t find drunk people fun. Everyone says that it is so fun to be drunk. But when people go around laughing at the most meaningless stuff, and finding Sarah Jessica Parker sexy (one of my friends actually said that when drunk), I don’t think it is fun at all. I mean, sure, a few girls make out. They may even get naked and start feeling around guys, but if you’re a heterosexual female or a homosexual male, chances are that’s not a whole lot of fun for you either. And then people sit around and watch bullcrap TV shows that are as interesting as the Saw series, and have “fun” doing it. No, people. It is not fun to be drunk. On the other hand, it’s a flunk to be crunk. If you didn’t know what that meant, then all I can say is that you fail at life (although, I don’t get the “fail” humor movement. You take embarrassing pictures and videos and add a text box saying “Fail” or “Epic Fail,” although I don’t see how failures are epic. I always respected the epic heroes, not epic failures like the people trying to be funny by making “Fail” jokes. To all of you “Fail” jokers, fail.)

So, frats and sors (?), you’re not fun. You’re not cool. You’re an embarrassment to the intellectual superiority that college is supposed to stand for. I feel awkward when you guys try and be cool by telling stories about how your drunk friend broke a window while trying to jump through the wall. It’s not funny and it’s not interesting. When, I say that your frat/sor./drunk party stories sound awesome, I’m lying to your face, and I just wanted you to know that. So, the next time I see a group of girls in white dresses flaunting their stupidity and want for attention, I’m going to push you all into the road and come and stomp on you after the cars are done with you, shouting “Oh my God, Oh my God”. And the next time I see a group of guys in tight shorts or dress suits at midnight, I’m going to spray your faces with Dunhill Blue. Because you know you like David Beckham. All you Greeks, consider this a warning.

Consider this a Warning 3

2009-11-04T17:53:00.001-08:00

So, I just received news that a person very close to me is having some serious health problems. More precisely, he is now suffering the repercussions of some serious health problems he’s had for a while. He is now admitted in a large hospital and will be under observation there for a while. I had never thought that his health problems were this severe. I had always assumed that he would be stay above that line of safety, but apparently that’s not the case. Apparently, nobody’s invincible.

I’ve known this person for a while (all my life, really), and he has always been a symbol of strength to me. From his stories of how he used to be the most feared boxer on his renowned college team to his dominating performances in sports to his uncontestable mental logic and strength, he seemed, in every shape and way, invincible. When I was small, I feared him. When I grew up, I looked up to him. All of this because he had shown me, in some way or the other, that there is always a way out of problems and that a strong person can rise above the occasion and push through any obstacle. But, today, it seems he finally reached that point where he can’t say that he pushed hard enough. He seems to have fallen to something that, for once, might be more powerful than him. My symbol of strength has faded.

But, I know that the symbol has just flickered for a moment. The muscles had buckled but the strength is still there. The hurdle had tripped his feet, but when he hits that ground, he’ll hit it running. But, I have learned one thing from this shock. I’ve learned that while you may be strong and you may find yourself defeating every obstacle that comes in your way, you will reach an obstacle that you won’t be able to push down. And when you get there, just make sure you’ve not dug yourself into a hole so deep you can’t climb out of it. Because nobody wants to have to look inside that hole and see a coffin in it. Carry yourself with pride, but don’t overload yourself with it. Consider this a warning.

Consider this a Warning 2

2009-11-04T12:56:00.001-08:00

Today, I watched a video in which a skateboarder tried to do a crazy stunt and ended up falling, breaking his leg and having the bone come so far out of the leg he broke that it stabbed the other leg. My first reaction was one of shock, which turned to sympathy, which then turned into ridicule. After about two minutes of unnecessary replays, I was laughing at the guy and at skateboarders in general. Why? Because skateboarding, in my opinion, is the most pointless form of artificial transport since the human catapult and butt lube. And since neither of those two became popular forms of transport, I don’t see why skateboards have become so famous. Sometimes, I think that if football is the reason people get concussions and can’t think right, then maybe football is the reason people skateboard, because there is no other explanation for why you would want to stand on a board and either roll down a slope with a high risk of losing control and finding yourself flying face first into the first tree that comes in your way or the unbearable inconvenience of pushing your entire body weight up a slope with only one leg.

And then there are those guys that do stunts on their board. As if people jumping up for no reason and twisting their ankles was not enough, these guys have to go and jump up on a skateboard and risk stabbing themselves with parts of their own skeletal system. Unbelievable stupidity, you ask? Well, I think some guys in tight jeans and white-soled shoes will disagree. They call it cool that they can perform these extraordinary feats. Passion, they say. Love for the sport. Of course, both passion and love for the sport don’t pay the medical bills. And chances are, if you have enough time to practice skateboard tricks, you’re not paying those bills either. So, who is paying those bills? Well, it’s those idiots who sit around and watch the idiot skateboarders do their helplessly pointless tricks and call the tricks cool. And by that, I mean the taxpayers. Well, at least till the skateboarders beg and plead and sneak quarters from under their parents’ bed when their parents are busy having sex.

So, all you people who are encouraging this moronic behavior, get a life. Watch a movie or some porn or something. And all you skateboarders, get a bike. When you roll down the sidewalks on those un-tire-d, unpadded wheels, everybody hates you for making a racket. And when you try and jump around and do your (not so) fancy tricks and fall on your face, everybody laughs at you. Then they go home and tell their girlfriends/boyfriends about you falling on your freakin’ FACE. And then you become an official loser, and nobody wants to hang out with you. And who knows? You might be rolling down the sidewalk one day and find yourself tipped over by a “rogue” elbow, and before you can say “What the fuck,” you’ll find yourself under the wheels of the RU. So, make sure to check my schedule and stay away from your boards when I’m walking around, because I WILL make an example out of you. Consider this a warning.

Dear Friend, I Thank You 1

2009-11-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

“Why the fuck do people stand in the middle of the footpath and not move the fuck out the way when someone wants to get through?” Sometimes, I wonder why sidewalks are made next to roads and roads are made in between sidewalks. Then I remember that sidewalks are for people and roads are for cars with people inside them. And sometimes, there are trees and grass and sand next to the sidewalk, but since sidewalks are for people, nobody is supposed to have to walk on the sand or grass or trees (and I know nobody walks on trees. Not even Jesus). But, tonight, two friends of mine and I had to actually walk on the sand and the grass next to the sidewalk. Because there were freaking people in the middle of the sidewalk! And they were right in our way. I doubt a bigger outrage has been committed on earth since Martin Luther said the Hail Mary by mistake.

So, I had to pick a side. Do I support the people defying the whole concept of a sidewalk by not walking on it, or do I support the people (that’s my friends and I) who fulfilled the true meaning of a “side-walk” by walking beside it? I could not decide, and I ended up having medium-rare beef and forgetting about the whole dilemma. Which brings me to my point here, today. Decisions are hard. How do you decide between holding an open water bottle right side up or holding a closed one upside down? I mean, if you took the trouble to put a cover on the bottle, shouldn’t you utilize the cover by holding it upside down? Or how do you decide between studying for an exam (and having a chance) or not studying for it (and having an excuse)? Isn’t it a known fact that excuses are always more reliable than chance? And how do you decide between the subliminally engaging white noise or the blissfully soft brown noise? I think there are no right answers for these questions. Which made me ask myself, “Is a right answer necessary?” I ended up not answering that question either because it was another decision I had to make(between yes and no). And having just concluded that decisions are hard, and that the necessity of making these decisions is indeterminable because of the same fact, I came to the extraordinary realization that decisions don’t even exist, because if they did, nobody would ever make them because they were hard enough to be indeterminably (and thus hardly) necessary, and if nobody made decisions, then decisions would never exist, because unlike energy, which is never created, decisions do need to be made, and if nobody made them, they would not exist. So, to my enormous relief, I found out that I did not need to support anybody in the case described above, which meant that I didn’t have to decide if the medium-rare beef from Ram’s Head was good for my fragile digestive system.

Finally, I would like to include a little segment about another quote from one of my friends. “Yo, that bitch-ass nigga goin’ get fucked up if he don’t stop fuckin around with me. Imma fucking fuck up his fucking face.” Sometimes I wonder if “fuck” and its forms will ever be given the rightful recognition they deserve for being the most commonly used words in the English language. Some people think of “fuck” as a bad word. I, on the other hand, think of “fuck” as the most natural English word. For example, it has historically been accepted that the human being is at its most evolutionary basic form while engaging in sexual activity, and the most simultaneous word that is ejected from participants in the same while at its climax is “FUCK!” So, I ask you this. Is “fuck” not the most intuitive word for human beings? I presume you answered “yes,” and this is the right answer. For those of you who answered “no,” you should take the first thing that your hand touches and stab yourself in the eye with it… Go ahead. Do it now… OK! Since the stupid people can’t read anymore, we smart people can talk about them. Stupid people are so stupid. But don’t tell them I told you that. Not till I make their ears fall off by playing Jonas Brothers for five years at frequencies only stupid people can hear. No, the fact that stupid people have a special sound frequency that only they can hear does not mean that they are special. It only means that stupid people get stupider by listening to other stupid people. It is evolution’s way of sustaining cheap entertainment (in the form of a constant supply of stupid people)for smart people. Smart people, enjoy.

So, to my friend who started off this train of thought by speaking those fateful words stated above, I thank you. You have made me discover that decisions don’t exist and that “Fuck you” is not offensive. So, even though you may never be able to pronounce “pére” correctly, you can definitely be a serious thought-provoker. Just make sure you don’t provoke the wrong thoughts. No creeperism intended from that statement. So, having exhausted my writing ability for the next eight months, I’ll take my kind leave with these inherent, pleasant, proudly stated words: “Fuck You and your life”

Consider this a Warning 1

2009-11-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

The other day, a person I know (I won’t state his name or relation to myself for reasons that should become obvious later on. And if the reasons still elude you after reading the article, you should be at ECU. Oooooooo) recently screamed in horror after checking around his pockets and jacket for something that he didn’t find. I asked him what was up, and he told me that he had lost his iPod Touch®. Now, obviously, he was quite upset. However, he later told me that he had got a message on Facebook saying that someone had found his iPod and had returned it to the student desk thing at the Student Union. So, we went and got his iPod, and I said, “That was close, eh?” And I look over to my “person I know” and he had a concerned look on his face. I asked him what was up, and he asked me how the person who found the iPod knew it was his (the person I know’s) iPod, and I made a speculation that they could have opened his (the known person’s) Facebook (which stays logged on) and checked his (the known’s) name. And this guy goes ballistic. I was pretty sleepy that night and I phased out when he started talking about one of the amendments, but I do remember him saying that it was an invasion of his privacy that the guy who found the iPod checked his (known’s) Facebook just to return his (k’s) iPod to him.

OF COURSE! They should never have checked k’s Facebook. NEVER! I mean, sure, k paid big bucks for the iPod, and k probably would have been screwed if k’s parents found out that he had lost the iPod that he had bought without their permission using his scholarship money, but that is no reason to go around checking someone’s Facebook. Everyone knows that all of a person’s most deeply kept secrets are on their Facebook profile, where only a select group of over a thousand “friends” can see them and fantasize about them as they wish. I mean, sure, a few of those friends were just people you met at the frat party and made out with, to everyone else’s utter disgust, and some of them were kids who you had your 1st grade gym class with and whose voices you don’t really remember, but at least you met them. Any person who you’ve not met who checks your Facebook is just a creeper. Or, he could be a terrorist trying to gain valuable information about the nation to plot a worldwide suicide bombing scheme that could bring an end to humanity as we know it. But chances are he won’t find “Favorite TV Show: The Bold and The Beautiful” very useful information. So, we can stick with the theory that he is a freaking creeper. And nobody likes creepers. We would all much rather have a constantly resurrecting, serial killing, crack-voiced, dark-clothed, testicle-chinned, psychopathic maniac become the lead character of the longest running pointless movie series in recorded history. True story.

And what about privacy? The first amendment guarantees us freedom of speech, something else, privacy, guns, deer-hunting and boob-flashing at Mardi Gras. So, basically, this person I know could turn the guy who returned his iPod in for going against the constitution. We could have this case go all the way to Judge Judy, and that woman is a mean-o. But the person I know slept off the rage and alcohol and woke up the next morning saying that he’ll let this one slide, but that society is getting on his last nerve and it should stop. I suggested suicide, but he said he’d rather see society commit suicide first, and I said that’s impossible, and he said that he’d stick around for a while longer. He then went into the bathroom and peed with the door open and I stood astounded at the moral and philosophical flexibility of this guy.

So, person I don’t know who returned the iPod to the person I do know, we’ll let you go this time. But the next time you find an iPod and return it to the owner, we’ll make sure to come behind you and pin antlers to your head so society can dish out the appropriate punishment. Consider this a warning.

2008-06-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

I just made this thing up, and I thought it was alright.